Thursday, June 21, 2012

The Wait

“You’re not exactly a spring chicken,”… I do believe that is the exact statement my husband (let’s call him Eeb) said to me in the car when we were on our way to the country for our wedding reception. We had an amazing destination wedding in Jamaica the day before Valentine’s Day 2010 with 30 of our closest family and friends, and decided to have a huge party when we came home for 300 others that could not make it to the gorgeous island that weekend. We had the party in Mansura, the cochon de lait (slow-roasted pig) capitol, and this weekend was when the baby demands requests started pouring in, first by my husband and then by everyone else we saw that weekend.

I knew Eeb wanted a big family… Both his mother and father come from a big brood and his sister has 3 kiddos herself. Plus, he had made it clear on several occasions that he expected our family to have quite the head count, considering he had already picked out the names of our first 12 children by the time we tied the knot. I, on the other hand, wanted to have kids but I had a plan that was ironing out almost exactly the way I imagined and kids weren’t supposed to be in the picture for another year. Little did I know that the baby fever would kick in by our 3 month anniversary, and we still didn’t get pregnant until after our 1 year anniversary.

This phase of my life I will call “The Wait” because that’s exactly what it was. It was the most stressful period in our marriage, and our marriage was BRAND STINKIN’ NEW!!! I didn’t think the power of suggestion was so, well, powerful. When everyone around you keeps reminding you that you are over 30, and time is running out, and how your clock is ticking slower by the day, and how you were born with only a few million eggs and only about 300,000 made it past puberty (and you, of course, are well past puberty)… it sticks to you like molasses. The first month we didn’t get pregnant wasn’t a big deal; the second month, I was kinda bummed; the third month that Aunt Flow showed her crimson face, I was enraged. So I started searching the web using terms like “getting pregnant” and “pregnancy tips” and trying to find out reasons why it wasn’t as easy as everyone said it was. I mean really, I honestly didn’t know it required directions.

By month 6, I was obsessed. Crazy.  Infatuated. Possessed. What the hell was going on? Apparently my ovaries had packed up my little eggs and went on an extended vacation in my lungs because I was doing all the sex positions exactly how they said on the How To Get Pregnant Fast website, I was checking my temperature daily, I took Mucinex 2 days before and 2 days after my ovulation dates, I waited at least 10 minutes standing on my head after sex before getting up and walking around, I cut out all alcohol and caffeine (ugh!)… It was an around the clock circus, but not as fun. You would think having sex every day in 102 different positions would be extremely enjoyable and amusing… Sorry to say, but NO! I had gotten so tangled up in the web of getting pregnant that I had lost the magic behind making a baby; and even worse, I had strung my poor husband along on my crazy train. Finally after a false-positive reading on a pregnancy test in January 2011, in which we told our families we were pregnant without confirming the pregnancy and in turn had tell everyone that we weren’t really pregnant (humiliating), I threw in the towel.

To make up for a rough and demanding first year of marriage, I arranged a Valentine’s weekend getaway for the two of us to reconnect on the beach. I also started working out and taking care of myself, started eating healthier and letting myself enjoy life a little more and not take everything so seriously. It’s amazing how much stress I was putting on myself, and my husband, and how much that stress affects your body and mind. I read a million times on BabyCenter and other websites that you should just have fun with it and it will happen, you can’t force it. I would be reading and thinking to myself, “If it was that easy I wouldn’t be on your stupid website trying to figure out how to get pregnant, now would I?” Sure enough, the next month we were pregnant… and for real this time. The wait was over!