Wednesday, June 27, 2012

The Surprise

It was a Friday when I recognized this familiar feeling that my diaphragm was squeezing my chest like a tightening zip tie. I went on about my day, the thought always in the back (far back) of my mind, and told my husband when he got home that I thought something was up. Amazingly, I was very calm and collected about the whole thing. I told him I wasn’t worried about it really, we’d go through the weekend and see how I was feeling on Monday. It felt the same way as last time, but different. Very hard to explain, but it felt “right” this time. I wasn’t stressed, I wasn’t freaking out, I didn’t have a million crazy thoughts running through my head… I felt very peaceful. Monday came and went and I still had this gut feeling that my body was preparing for something big. So I went to the bathroom and grabbed the only pregnancy test I had left (as I swore I would never buy them again) and took a seat on the throne. I held the little white stick in the flow of urine until I was empty and set it beside me while I wiped up. When I turned to put the cap on it, there it was, clear as day… "PREGNANT"

The next few moments were a flood of contrasting sensations. First, I giggled at the test in delight… Next thing I knew I was cussing at the stupid white urine wand and had chunked it at the waste bin. Acting like I had not just gone psycho on a piece of plastic, I strolled into the kitchen and started taking everything out to make dinner. I remember thinking, “what the hell is wrong with you?” I started laughing hysterically - tears running out of my eyes, snot down my nose, drool out of my mouth and cackling wildly… Yep, this was real. No sane person would have gone through so many emotions in a 2 minute time frame unless they were being bombarded with hormones (or watching Lifetime). I ran in the bathroom and grabbed the test, praying both that I didn’t break it and that pee wasn’t splattered all over the walls from me hurling it across the room. I took a picture of the reading and sent it to my husband with the following message, “Either I don’t know how to work these things, or I’m pregnant!” His response, “Seriously, okay, I'm on my way home.” *giggle*

The next morning I went to take a blood test, and 3 hours later the phone rang with the good news. This time I did 3 rounds of blood testing over 8 days so they could make sure my hCG levels were rising like they should be. This was totally different than last time. I felt relaxed and ready for whatever was going to happen. And this time I was prepared. I set a couple of rules for myself that I would follow to a “T” and I knew what my rights and options were this time. I waived the pelvic culture until after my 10 week mark, which is as long as she would allow me. I did this because the culture seemed to be where all my problems started last time and, while I don’t blame my OBGYN for the miscarriage, in order for my head to be in a positive place I had to avoid this procedure as long as possible. We scheduled an early ultrasound, per my request, at the 6 week mark to make sure everything looked right in there (I knew that the heartbeat should be visible between the 5-6 week mark). I promised myself I would not look at baby things online until after the first trimester was over, so as not to get too ahead of myself (the baby bed that I ordered when I found out I was pregnant the first time was delivered the Saturday after we found out there was no heartbeat, what a slap in the face!). We also decided not to tell any family until we got a good look at the healthy beating heart of our little nugget.

Everything went smoothly until the week of the first ultrasound. Where there was calm and peaceful thoughts, slowly filled with anxiety and fear. I wasn’t sure that I could go through another devastating ultrasound. Every time I went to the bathroom, I checked the toilet paper closely to see if it had even the smallest hint of pink to it (as in held it two inches from my face). I paid attention to every little twitch and cramp and pull and tug and fart that my body made. Finally the day had come; it was time to see what was going on in there. As we sat in the waiting room (again for over an hour) my husband played Words With Friends on his phone and read the newspaper. I wanted to strangle him for being so nonchalant about the whole thing, just acting like it was another day at the doctor’s office. I asked him if he was nervous and he just smiled telling me he wasn’t worried one bit and that everything was going to be okay… he could feel it! I could have spit on him for being so positive and not being worried the least little bit. The same technician that we had 3 months earlier called our name, and we headed to the back. I wasn’t in the mood for messing around, it was all business today. Before she had closed the door behind us, I had my drawers off and was spread eagle on the table. “Let’s just use the wand so we can see a clearer picture, yeah, and please give me some good news,” I demanded of her. She didn’t skip a beat and got right to it. The nerves… oooohhhhhhh the nerves. I wanted to close my eyes, but at the same time I didn’t want to miss a single little detail. I held my breath for what felt like 10 minutes. Then I saw it, the little flutter… THERE WAS A FLUTTER!!! A little bitty tiny wee little flutter. Holy shit!!! I just let her do her thing (while the fireworks went off in my chest)and show us what everything was. I clinched my husband’s hand and just thanked the heavens for that little flutter. Warm, gooey, melted relief washed over my entire body, like I had just taken a shot of hot sake. We were capable of producing life!

The next 6 weeks dragged on like molasses running down the side of a mason jar. Waiting is just something you have to get use to when you are pregnant because you have never waited for so many things in your life as you do when you are pregnant. I disapprovingly let them take the cervical culture, and thank GOD the Q-Tip came out clean or I would have freaked out and probably strangled my OB with my thighs (I actually pictured that scenario in my head when she was under that cover). At 10.5 weeks we had another ultrasound and wouldn’t you know it, my little nugget was just a dancing and moving around in there! Growing on schedule, little moving arms and legs and a huge head and body all very distinguishable, and that little beating heart just fluttering away in there. They even let us take a short video (see below)! Eeb was right, I could feel it too, we were going to have a baby! When that 13 week mark finally came, I was so relieved. It was like I could finally breathe and take it easy for the next 27 weeks. But week 13 brought with it a whole new set of challenges and obsessions, and whether to stay with my OBGYN would be the first of many big decisions we would have to make!